Finding Calm

By Debbie Wyer on 16 November 2025

As you know, Louise and I are in the middle of a 12-week Mindfulness and Meditation course with the British Institute of Meditation.

Why 12 weeks? Well, it turns out those 12 weeks really help to instil a daily habit and as we’re discovering, consistency is everything when it comes to calming the mind and retraining the brain.

I’ve been learning so much about why we think, feel, and react the way we do, so I thought I’d share a few of the insights with you.

We’ve all been there, juggling too much, feeling that tightness in the chest, and wishing our minds would just pause for a moment. Stress seems to be part of modern life, but understanding what’s going on in the brain can help us find ways to manage it more kindly and effectively.

What Happens When We’re Stressed
Stress is the body’s natural reaction to challenge or change, a built-in alarm designed to keep us safe. In small doses, it’s actually helpful, giving us the focus and drive to meet a deadline, adapt to change, or react quickly in an emergency.

The problem comes when that alarm doesn’t switch off. Our brain’s “danger detector,” the amygdala, is brilliant at spotting threats, but it hasn’t quite kept up with the pace of modern life. Instead of reacting to wild animals or physical danger, it now responds to things like overflowing inboxes, constant notifications, or a tricky conversation as if they were life-threatening.

When the amygdala sounds the alarm, it floods the body with stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. Your breathing becomes shallow, your heart rate increases, and your muscles tense, preparing you to fight, flee, or freeze.

At the same time, blood flow to the thinking and reasoning parts of the brain, the prefrontal cortex and hippocampus is reduced. That’s why, when you’re under pressure, it’s so much harder to think clearly, stay calm, or see the bigger picture.

How many times have you thought afterwards, “I could have said…” or “Why didn’t I just say…”? I know I have! It’s that moment when clarity arrives a little too late, once the stress response has passed and your prefrontal cortex is back online. In the moment, though, the brain’s priority isn’t logic or diplomacy, it’s survival. Once the body calms down, your rational mind returns, and suddenly, the right words appear as if by magic.

Recognising this helps us be a little kinder to ourselves. We’re not “losing it”, we’re simply wired to react first and reflect later. I often think how much kinder I would have been to myself if I’d known this sooner, instead of beating myself up.

Why the Brain Focuses on the Negative
Our brains have evolved with one key goal: survival. Thousands of years ago, remembering what was dangerous, a poisonous plant, an unfriendly tribe, or a bad storm kept us alive. Remembering what felt good wasn’t quite as crucial.

Even today, this ancient wiring means our brains are naturally drawn to the negative. We react to potential threats in a split second, but it can take around 12 seconds for a positive experience to fully register in the brain.

As neuropsychologist Rick Hanson puts it, “The brain is like Velcro for the bad and Teflon for the good.”

That means at the end of the day, we’re far more likely to replay the things that went wrong, the traffic, the email, the to-do list rather than notice the moments that went right. Over time, that negativity bias can quietly drain our sense of calm and happiness.

The good news is, we can retrain the brain to notice the positive. One simple but powerful way to do this is through gratitude journaling. Each evening, jot down three things you’re grateful for big or small. It could be a lovely chat, the warmth of your morning coffee, or a kind word from a friend. The act of writing helps the brain record those moments more deeply, gradually rewiring it to seek out and savour the good.